I'm NOT okay.

I'm really hurt. I'm really bitter. I'm pretty angry. I'm burned out... and I'm just plain exhausted. Emotional exhaustion leads to physical exhaustion really quickly. That's one lesson I've learned this year. Another is that eventually... as hard as you try to tell yourself and act like everything's okay when everything's not okay... something is going to give and everything will come spilling out eventually.

I've had one minor meltdown and two ugly breakdowns this week alone. I don't even consider this week the worst week of fourth year. I'm currently sitting at a 46% in one of my classes, and I have 2 overdue papers in another. I think I might have actually skipped more class than I've attended this year. Because of my hurt and bitterness and anger, I've lashed out at people I love and I've cried in front of people I barely know. I've turned to food, alcohol, people and other distractions to try to forget and numb the pain and anger I've felt this year. I've tried to run away from my problems, literally, by sleeping over at a friend's place instead of at Cline, and running to a close friend and neighbour's just to zone out and watch TV for an hour or two. I've made some bad choices and there really isn't any excuse for my behaviour. I really thought I'd be able to handle all of the drama and the problems and the crap that has happened to me this year better than I have. But things never turn out the way you think they will. This is all to my shame and God's future glory/grace... as I am confident that He will eventually fix and heal me in every way that I am broken right now.

So why am I being so open and vulnerable and exposed for anyone who wants to read my blog?

A close friend told me once that I'm a very private person. I never really saw myself that way... as I do try and be myself around friends and strangers alike. I feel like I share openly and easily with close friends... I send out email updates pretty regularly. I'm easygoing and laid back. I'm cheerful and functionally extroverted... I talk and laugh easily with people. I guess I always had this image of a private person as one who is more conservative and quiet... one who keeps to themselves a lot. I don't really see myself that way... so I didn't see myself as a private person. I realize now... that maybe this friend was referring to my lack of transparency. My inability to let people know what's REALLY bugging me when something is really bugging me. It's so much easier for me, so... instinctive... for me to just smile and say everything's fine. I don't like to draw attention to myself, I don't like people to fawn over me and concern themselves with my problems. It's always the other way around. I'm the listener....I'm the one people dump on. It's always been like that.

So why are things different this time?

Because I'm tired of putting up a front. I can't do it anymore. I'm not even consciously letting people down... I'm not even consciously being irresponsible with the commitments I've made. My body is so physically and emotionally exhausted... I've been missing meetings and appointments... I've been skipping class and not handing in papers... because I just physically cannot do it. I can't. I'm done. I'm spent. I'm all used up. I don't have anything left to give.

My whole life, I have been a chronic people pleaser. I live to make other people happy. I go out of my way, every day, to do things for people.... to care for people... to let people know I'm thinking of them. Whether that means countless emails, little notes, cards, baked goods, doing dishes..... whatever it is.... I try to please people; I try to make other people happy. As much as I try and blame it on my being a pastor's kid... and growing up feeling all these eyes on me... aunties and uncles at church....feeling like they expect me to be this PERFECT kid, this obedient, sweet little girl... and wanting desperately to live up to those expectations.... the fact is that I'm 21 now and I'm choosing to live up to those expectations (real, self imposed, perceived or imagined). I choose, everyday, to please other people. I didn't really know any better when I was growing up... but now I do. Or at least I should.

I've said it before and I'm saying it now: pastor's kids are a MESSED UP bunch. We really are. I know everyone is messed up in some way or another... but we're like ESPECIALLY messed up. Maybe it's because we didn't really have a Dad while growing up. Maybe it's because we're bitter that the church stole our Dads away from us and he was never home to hang out with and get to know. Maybe it's because of all the pressure we feel from people at church. Maybe it's because everyone at church compares their kids to us... as if we were some sort of golden child that every kid at church needs to be like... when we're absolutely no better than anyone else. If anything, we're even more rebellious and disobedient and disrespectful than every other kid at church - we just do a REALLY good job of hiding it and being two-faced. Well, I'm speaking for myself. Maybe there actually are sweet, naturally obedient pastor's kids who don't mind the fact that their parents spend more time taking care of everyone at church than with their own family. Who knows.

I think that's another reason I'm being so... uncomfortably real and exposed right now: I almost feel guilty for the fact that other parents compare their kids to me and for some mind blowing reason, maybe even put me on a pedestal. I find it disgusting. If they only knew half of who I am... if only they could see the real me.... I know they wouldn't be doing it. But I feed that perfect image of myself at church... and they feed their kids lies about who they think I am. And I'm sure it's not just me - a lot of parents compare their kids with other people's seemingly perfect or at least better kids. I hope I never do that with my own kids. I really don't want to put anyone through that. I know how much it hurts and how unfair it is to be compared to someone who's more... perfect. It SUCKS. It sucks as a 5 year old... and it sucks as an adult.

So... I think I'm pretty much done. The conclusion is that I'm hurting... I'm messed up... and I'm sorry if I've hurt you or caused any sort of pain or inconvenience because of my inconsiderate and selfish actions. I'm exhausted and spent in every way... and for as long as it takes, I will be trying to recover and recharge... trying to focus on what's truly important and vital for my relationship with God, my education, my commitments that I've already made. I'm sorry if I'm a jerk and don't return phone calls or emails or anything else you might do for me. Please don't do anything, though. I mean it. I really just need some time away from everything and everyone... which is not possible.... but I'm going to try as much as possible to just isolate myself so I can preserve myself, my sanity, my energy and finish off this term the best I can.

I'm not perfect and I shouldn't try to be. If I've ever given the impression that I have everything together... I think this post should dispel that quite quickly. I really don't have anything together. I'm a complete mess. I'm so far from where I want to be.... so far from who I want to be. But I know that God's grace is sufficient for me... and His power is made perfect in my weakness. So I'm boasting about my weaknesses... so that Christ's power may rest on me. Because when I am weak... that is when I am strong.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10